30 awful analogies

analogiesAs Abraham Lincoln once said, “The problem with the internet is that you can’t always rely on it’s accuracy.”

The awful analogies below are widely attributed to quotes taken from high school essays by US teachers. They’re not! They were actually crafted with the express purpose of producing truly bad analogies. The original source is a 1999 Washington Post contest. Below you’ll find my Top 30—in no particular order—along with credit to the original (awful) authors.

1. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

2. Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
(Sandra Hull, Arlington)

3. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
(Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

4. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
(Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)

5. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
(Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)

6. “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
(Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg)

7. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
(John Kammer, Herndon)

8. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
(Barbara Collier, Garrett Park)

9. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
(Susan Reese, Arlington)

10.It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
(Marian Carlsson, Lexington, Va.)

11. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

12. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
(Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse)

13. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
(Ralph Scott, Washington)

14. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

15. Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist.
(Greg Dobbins, Arlington)

16. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
(Nanci Phillips Sharp, Gaithersburg)

17. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
(Susan Reese, Arlington)

18. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

19. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any PH cleanser.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

20. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

21. Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

22. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

23. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

24. Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
(Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

25. Outside the little snow-covered cabin, a large pile of firewood was stacked like Pamela Anderson.
(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

26. A branch fell from the tree like a trunk falling off an elephant.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

27. The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

28. The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

29. He regarded death with hesitant dread, as if he were a commedia dell’arte troupe and death was an audience of pipe-fitters.
(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

30. Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.
(Barbara Collier, Garrett Park)

 

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17 quotes about writing

writing
Easy reading is damned hard writing.
Nathaniel Hawthorne

…I have this one nasty habit. Makes me hard to live with. I write…
Robert A. Heinlein

Those who write clearly have readers; those who write obscurely have commentators.
Albert Camus

Writing historical fiction is a legitimate use of Multiple Personality disorder.
Peggy Ullman Bell

If you would not be forgotten as soon as you’re gone, either write things worth reading or do things worth writing.
Benjamin Franklin

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.
Bertrand Russell

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.
Woody Allen

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
T. S. Eliot

Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.
Mark Twain

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Tom Clancy
(paraphrasing Mark Twain)

A great many people think they are thinking when they are acutally rearranging their prejudices.
William James

A witty saying proves nothing.
Voltaire

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Bertrand Russell

Destiny is not a matter of change, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.
William Jennings Bryan

Write drunk. Edit sober.
Peter De Vries

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
Douglas Adams

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin

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Cheer up!

cheerup250Some humourous quotes about writing …

 

I wrote a few children’s books. Not on purpose.
Steven Wright

If Moses were alive today he’d come down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments and spend the next five years trying to get them published.
Anonymous

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.
Fran Lebowitz

I get a lot of letters from people. They say: “I want to be a writer. What should I do?” I tell them to stop writing to me and get on with it.
Ruth Rendell

If writers were good businessmen, they’d have too much sense to be writers.
Irvin S. Cobb

The road to hell is paved with adverbs.
Stephen King

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
Doug Larson

Writers don’t have lifestyles. They sit in little rooms and write.
Norman Mailer

The dubious privilege of a freelance writer is he’s given the freedom to starve anywhere.
S.J. Perelman

I was sorry to hear my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I am not feeling very well myself.
Mark Twain

Unless a reviewer has the courage to give you unqualified praise, I say ignore the bastard.
John Steinbeck

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.
Christopher Hampton

The only time I’ll get good reviews is if I kill myself.
Edward Albee

About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgement.
Josh Billings

An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last instalment missing.
Quentin Crisp

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.
Flannery O’Connor

Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.
Dr. Samuel Johnson (to an aspiring writer)

Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
Anonymous

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
Groucho Marx

 

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